I am completely torn. I really do not want Aidan in public schools. I want him away from the liberal, anti Christian agenda ... among other things. However, I do not want to home school anymore. I don't know whether to trust my judgement. This past week, there has been something wrong with me. I have been ridiculously anxious. I get hot, my heart starts racing, I feel sick to my stomach.. There's nothing that triggers it either. It's nearly constant. I haven't been getting any sleep. So, that's one reason I do not want to make a huge decision right now. Scott and I need to talk about it...  The sad thing is I DO believe that home schooling is the BEST education for your child. So am I being a hypocrite? I don't know. :(

I did call about a scholarship for Harbor Light, if that works out, I will be ecstatic... It wouldn't be able to happen this year anyway.... 

Ughhhh... I don't know what to do! I need to get rid of this anxiety first, then maybe I can make a good decision.

angry.

I should not have this much anger in my life towards one person. My mom is driving me to the point of wanting to just never speak to her again. She quit drinking.... according to her and her PBT's. (but I know those are easy to pass; even after a night of drinking.) However, that is ALL she has done. She hardly spends any time at all with her children. When she actually is at home with them, Joey goes into his room to watch TV all night or play his Xbox. Omar sits next to her, wanting her to pay attention to him, but all they do is watch TV. If they ask to go swimming or go to the beach... or anywhere, she tells me to take them. If I do not take them, they just stay home in front of their boxes. It is ridiculous.

My mom spends most of her time outside of work at her boyfriends house. She tells everyone she spends one night a week at his house.... she spends about 3-5 nights a week there. On top of that, I only require her to pay me $20 a day...and food for the kids. I rarely get the $20, and if we do it goes for food. *sigh* She gambles most of her money away.... and gets upset when I ask her for $20. Even when it's for food. She seems to think $80 of junk food is enough to feed the kids for a week...?!

I am so tired of listening to her lie and act like she has done nothing wrong. She isn't grateful to anyone for anything!! She is always saying she needs time alone with her boyfriend, but I have not had a night alone with my husband..... well, I can't remember the last time. The longest we have gone without children is a few hours. For some reason, SHE is allowed to have time alone with her man, yet I am not.

It is my fault. I am enabling her. What choice do I have? She'll just leave the kids with whoever or worse; leave them home alone.

Honestly, she should just give me custody of the kids!! Sadly, the reason she would never do that is because of those checks she gets from social security for Joey. (the checks I should have been collecting since March, but never went through with it because I didn't want to make things harder on my mom when it comes to paying her bills. I'm an idiot. She never cared if we were struggling at all....  I am so tired of her.

Some people just shouldn't be mothers.

We want to go home. Aidan had to be admitted to Devos on Thursday because he has mucusitis. I was going to post a link to show pictures of what it is, but I became sick just looking at them so thought it best to leave it be. I have only seen what it has done to my sons lips. The doctors and nurses are the ones who look into his mouth. Basically, they are ulcers in the mouth. They are a side effect from one of his chemo drugs, Methotrexate. The ulcers can even be in the stomach, esophogas, rectum..... ugh. I am pregnant and having a hard time writing about this, but this is just a small part of the life of cancer. :( My darling 5 year old boy was on Morphine for two days because the pain was so great. I can't tell you how much it hurts to watch your little boy drooling blood while sleeping. Yes, blood.  This has got to be the worst side effect yet..

Woohoo!! Just got the news that Aidan is being discharged!!! We have to wait for paperwork and the nurse to de-access his port and we are out of here. He is so giggly and excited now. Now I can't even remember what my whole point was going to be to this blog!! I really have to start doing this more so I get in the hang of it.. 

I am tired. I have hardly gotten any sleep. Driving down to Grand Rapids at midnight wasn't in my plans, that's for sure. Of course, Laila slept the whole way down and wanted to stay awake when we got to the hospital. And she definitely doesn't like to sleep in!!

Blood and platelet transfusion, antibiotics, Neupogen shots, fluids and lots of monitoring because ALL of his counts are low. We will be here till Wednesday at least.

Can I cry again? I am so tired of this. Literally, I am so exhausted. I want to just sleep all day every day. Which is a sign of depression. I don't think I am depressed exactly, just unbelievably stressed.

I have way too much on my mind. So much that I can't even blog like I want to release the tension. Everything is just piling up right now. I am completely overwhelmed and I am tired of needing help.

the dark side of leukemia

I have a Carepage for Aidan that I try to write in every few visits to Devos. It is exhausting to keep up with. While I don't lie about anything, I do make things seem easier than they are. I don't want his Carepage to be my place to complain and cry. I spend a lot of time feeling grateful to everyone. From my friends, to Devos, to God, to my church. Even to Medicaid. I am mostly so happy that my son is in remission and we have the technology available to cure him. He will get to grow up, possibly have children. Possibly become an oncologist at this very hospital. Did I ever mention he wants to be a doctor? He wants to help children with "kemia". He is such a darling.

Then we have the darker side of Leukemia. This morning, while driving down to Devos, I thought of Aidan's funeral. I was nearly in tears because I could not control my tho ughts. I thought of what I would have to tell people. I thought of what he would look like in his little tux, looking like he was just taking a peaceful nap. I can imagine what his skin would look like. I can imagine crying over him just waiting for his eyelashes to flutter open and hearing his beautiful voice say "I'm awake, Mommy." The thought that there is a small chance that my son could die...is terrifying. Almost debilitating. I don't think this way often, but when I do it is almost uncontrollable. Satan sure knows what thoughts to plant.

Most of the time, I am optimistic. Happy that my son has such a great team of doctors and nurses and that his prognosis is "85-90%" optimistic. On the other hand, I HATE that I even have to deal with that statistic. I hate leukemia. And I hate chemotherapy.....but I love it because it is saving my sons life. As childish as this sounds, it's not fair. I don't want my baby boy to have to go through this. He 5 years old. I would take this away from him and keep it from myself in a heartbeat.

So this is just a glimpse into the darker side of leukemia. Stuff I don't post on my little man's Carepage. Definitely not something I ever want him to know I think about.

My First entry. Not so epic, but honest.

My first post. Shouldn't it be epic? I always think of clever topics to write about at home when I am unfortunate to not have internet! Then when I finally have the chance, I am at a loss for words. I suppose I shall just start by introducing my family and myself. I originally planned on keeping this blog anonymous, but that just isn't my style. Sometimes I offend people with my honesty, but the more my relationship with Jesus grows, the less I TRY to offend people. It still happens though. Christians are not always well liked.

My name is Nadia. I'm 26 years old. I am a Christian, a wife, mother, and foster parent to my two brothers (will talk more about that later, but legally can't post much) . I love my life on most days. I have had periods of "depression" that were mostly due to my own thoughts and inability to let go of the past. Overall, I am a happy person that tends to be a bit cynical due to being hurt.  I have a hard time forgiving the *big* things, but easily overlook the little things. I have only been in romantic love once. It has been a little rocky, but our love has never faded. It has been tested, devastated, but still going strong and getting stronger every day.

My husband is Scott. He is a great man, although I seem to always find a reason to complain about him. I usually remember how great he is when I hear about my friends' husbands or boyfriends. Other than 2009, our rocky year that we separated, he has been a wonderful man. Always learning and trying to grow in his faith. He loves his kids. He loves me. Most importantly, he loves God! (which makes the love for myself and our children even sweeter!) He has given up a lot for his family and I love that about him. It gives me pride to know he is a better man when he with me. Okay....and he makes me strive to be a better woman and Christian.

Our kids are Corbin, 10, Aidan, 5, and Laila, 8 months. Corbin is from Scott's previous marriage. He visits every other weekend and we share holidays. Our relationship isn't as peaceful as I'd like it to be, but mixed families are never easy. I notice we get along best when no one else is around.  It's then that he opens to me and tells me things that he normally wouldn't. I'd like to think our relationship will get better, but he is going to be a teenager soon. ;)

Aidan is my heart and soul. I know I shouldn't but I love him so much more than anyone. He has changed me. I feel bad for Laila. How will she ever compete? Maybe I don't love him more, it's probably just a different kind of love. I joke and say that Aidan is our perfect child. He never required much punishment. We never had to deal with terrible twos. Although he loved to ask "Why?". It's also pretty important to mention that my son was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia in November of 2010. It has been a life changing event. The two most painful events in my life are: Aidan's diagnosis and the near end of our marriage. Both are devastating and life changing. Both have the ability to cripple a family or make a family stronger. I am proud to say it is making us stronger! It's all God though. We wouldn't be strong enough to any of this without Him. Needless to say, you will hear my uncensored opinions on the Leukemia for the next few years. I have a care page for Aidan, but obviously don't get too personal with it. It's his care page, not my soap box.

Moving on. My darling Laila. I wanted a girl so badly. I love her. I do. She is just difficult. She doesn't sleep through the night. She is just now taking a bottle. All she wants to do is nurse and be held by mommy. If she isn't being held, she wants to be entertained. She always wants to do something. She is so active. Is it because she is a girl? Or is it because I am over spoiling her? Or maybe I just notice it more than I did with Aidan. I don't know. I just know I want the next baby to be a boy.

So that is my family. I could write more. I could write forever. And I will. Just have to get the hang of this blogging thing again.

God Bless!