I have a Carepage for Aidan that I try to write in every few visits to Devos. It is exhausting to keep up with. While I don't lie about anything, I do make things seem easier than they are. I don't want his Carepage to be my place to complain and cry. I spend a lot of time feeling grateful to everyone. From my friends, to Devos, to God, to my church. Even to Medicaid. I am mostly so happy that my son is in remission and we have the technology available to cure him. He will get to grow up, possibly have children. Possibly become an oncologist at this very hospital. Did I ever mention he wants to be a doctor? He wants to help children with "kemia". He is such a darling.
Then we have the darker side of Leukemia. This morning, while driving down to Devos, I thought of Aidan's funeral. I was nearly in tears because I could not control my tho ughts. I thought of what I would have to tell people. I thought of what he would look like in his little tux, looking like he was just taking a peaceful nap. I can imagine what his skin would look like. I can imagine crying over him just waiting for his eyelashes to flutter open and hearing his beautiful voice say "I'm awake, Mommy." The thought that there is a small chance that my son could die...is terrifying. Almost debilitating. I don't think this way often, but when I do it is almost uncontrollable. Satan sure knows what thoughts to plant.
Most of the time, I am optimistic. Happy that my son has such a great team of doctors and nurses and that his prognosis is "85-90%" optimistic. On the other hand, I HATE that I even have to deal with that statistic. I hate leukemia. And I hate chemotherapy.....but I love it because it is saving my sons life. As childish as this sounds, it's not fair. I don't want my baby boy to have to go through this. He 5 years old. I would take this away from him and keep it from myself in a heartbeat.
So this is just a glimpse into the darker side of leukemia. Stuff I don't post on my little man's Carepage. Definitely not something I ever want him to know I think about.
I do the same thing.... I drive past a cemetery and think, " that could be him!". I cry about it sometimes. I try to not go there, but it is there, constantly gnawing at you. I think we try to be oblivious before things like this happen because the thought of losing a child or the pain of them suffering is so great, our heart can not wke it. Yet here we are, facing our worst nightmare. It is hard to not go there in your mind. I hate it. Thanks for this post. I appreciate it.
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